I recently did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I started working for the Samaritans last week.I tried phoning in sick on my second day,but the buggers talked me out of it
What did Cinderella say when her photos didn’t arrive on time?
One day my prints will come
What is the difference between a guitar and a fish?.............You can't Tuna fish
What did the the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
What do you call an alligator in a vest? An investigator
I said to my mate, I'm taking the four members of Abba out for something to eat, my friend, for Nandos
Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running from the ball!
I wasn’t going to visit my family this December, but my mum promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I’m going home for the hollandaise.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me!! Luckily my injuries are only super fish oil
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Did you hear about the new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines everywhere!
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I just watched a program about beavers. It was the best dam program I've ever seen.
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea
Why did the duck not cross the road? He was just about to when a chicken came up to him and said I wouldn't bother if I were you you will never hear the last of it.
How many ears does Spock have? Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!
Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
Milk is the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurised before you even see it
What do you call a fish with no eye?
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A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?" the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, "If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!"
What do you call dangerous precipitation? A rain of terror.
Did you hear about the two satellites that got married?
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
If one is planning to go to Egypt, would that be a pyramid scheme?
I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something
What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike? Attire!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.
A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge £1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”
Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and asks “How do you drive this thing?”
I was interrogated over the theft of a cheese toastie. Man, they really grilled me.
I'm starting up a new reasturant that serves curry poured over french fries. It's called "Curry On My Wayward Spud" And yes....There'll be peas when you are done.
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
I linked all my wrist watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.
I've started investing in stocks. Beef, chicken, and vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
People don’t believe me when I tell them I’m a tribute act of the lead singer with the Black Eyed Peas!
Our local produce market is now selling fresh spices for the holidays. It's the most wonderful thyme of the year!
There are three kinds of people - those who can count, and those who can't.
How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizza?
Deep pan, crisp and even.
What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.
Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?
His wife was a total flake.
Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?
Because every single buck is dear to him!
Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney?
Because it soots him!
I just NEED to vent..... I have had ENOUGH!!!! We'll never help anyone again......EVER!! Either I'm too kindhearted, too stupid, or too gullible!! Out of the kindness of our hearts, and because it was so cold out yesterday, we took a man into our home. We felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he just vanished. Not a word...not even "goodbye" or "thank you" for sheltering him!! The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the living room floor!!! That's the "thank you" I get for being good to people?!?!?! Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is white heavy set, and he's wearing nothing but a black hat and red scarf. He has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don't bring him into your house!! What a huge mess he made on our floor!!!
Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting?
Because they always drop their needles.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
Within minutes the detective knew what the murder weapon was. It was a brief case
I went to a nightclub that was full of Orcs, Hobbits and Elves..... It was Mordor on the dance floor.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple with limited memory, just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My friends grandad was run over by a boat in Venice...
I offered him my sincere gondolences...